I Will Carry You
by ShadowPassinThru
Summary: Remus/Sirius. OOTP. Sirius cannot deal with being back in the place of his parents. The only person who really knows what went on in those walls must help him out.


Title: I Will Carry You  
  
Author: Kayla (shadowpassinthru on ff.net)  
  
Summary: Remus comes right in time, to help Sirius deal with fear.  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns the plot, and the boys. Yet, even the author herself feels the power of Remus x Sirius.  
  
Feedback: Yes, of course!  
  
Email for feedback: KAYKEL1207@msn.com  
  
Archive: SBRL, fanfiction.net, Azkaban's Lair.   
  
Other arhives: Oh, yes! Always looking for places to post. Email me with notice though.  
  
Spoilers: OOTP  
  
Genre: Weird fic! Ranges from angst-- to fluff -- all the way to sexy romance.  
  
Rating: PG 13 I guess...  
  
AN: Okay, the title from this was brought from the song "I will carry you" by Clay Aiken, and these lyrics from it.  
  
~~~  
  
Yeah I know it hurts  
  
yeah I know your scared  
  
walking down the road  
  
that leads to who knows where  
  
Don't you hang your head  
  
don't you give up yet.  
  
When courage starts to dissapear  
  
I will be right here.  
  
When the world breaks down  
  
and the voices tell you turn around  
  
when your dreams give out  
  
I will carry you  
  
From "I Will Carry You" by Clay Aiken  
  
~~~  
  
"I can't do this!" Sirius objected, breathing heavily. He felt the panic rise inside of him, looking around the terrible home. He had lived, and suffered, inside of these walls for sixteen years.  
  
The Hogwarts Headmaster gave him a look that simply said that he found Sirius to be overreacting to this. Yet, he couldn't understand everything the man was now feeling inside. When he'd joined the Order of the Phoeinex as a young man, he'd told Albus Dumbledore part of the story, but only Remus Lupin knew the full tale.  
  
Only Remus knew of his family's association with Voldemort, and how his mother and father were some of the most secretive spies in his league. Only Remus knew about Sirius and his hiding from them, and how he'd been hurt by those people. All Dumbldore really knew was that he'd had unloving parents who thought highly only of pureblood. He did not know anything.  
  
"I cannot do this," Sirius said softly, trying to lower his voice and contain the fears. "I'm sorry... you can have this place for Headquarters, but I wont stay locked up in here."  
  
"Be reasonable!" the old man snapped, growing angry at Sirius's childish behavior. "Everyone is looking for you. Your very presence in the Order is dangerous. Being responsible for you is difficult. If you were found..."  
  
"I can't," Sirius said surprised to hear such dissaproval from a man he'd once admired so much. He felt like he was going to be ill, as the walls of the horrible place spun quickly around him. He looked so pathetic, but he did not have a mind in him to care. He wanted out. He couldn't believe that he'd escaped Azkaban, only to be taken to the second worse place in the world and locked up once again. It was too much to believe. Even he did not deserve this.   
  
"You speak of your love for your godson often Sirius," Dumbledore said, the lowest he'd ever been, to any of the millions that trusted him . "To honor your love, you need to do this for both of your sakes."  
  
"You don't understand," Sirius groaned, closing his eyes to make the room disappear from his mind. "You just do not understand..."  
  
"But I do," came a quiet voice from the back of the room. Sirius watched Dumbledore turn around toward the quiet noise, but he did not. He recognized the voice instantly, but he'd heard it so many nights, when he'd been alone in Azkaban, that he nearly did not dare it to be real. Yet it was, the whispered calmness that came in the voice of Remus Lupin.  
  
  
  
"Turn around Sirius," Remus said calmly, forcing Sirius to obey him. He'd always had such a calm presence that it had been undeniable. Sirius knew now that this was not a hallucination. Only Remus had the calm subtle power that made even him listen. Nobody could tell Sirius Black what to do, except the one person who'd been closest to him.  
  
He turned and was looking into deep, serious brown eyes. As serious as he was behaving, Remus showed undeniable compassion. He moved closer to Sirius and said smiling gently. "I've just arrived Sirius, and I have a question to ask of you."  
  
"What is it?" he asked, but the barely audible sound that escaped him was not his own voice. It was the voice of the teenaged boy that confessed his love to Remus, all those years ago. He felt weak and dizzy with Remus so close to him. Even though he'd stayed with his former friend and lover for two weeks only a month and a half ago, he'd just never stood this close to being what he used to be. He felt so weak, that it was amazing.  
  
"I want to live here," Remus said looking away, because Dumbledore still stood in the room. "In fact Sirius, I need to live here. Please... I need this so badly from you. I wouldn't ask it, unless it meant everything, and it does. I can't stay at my home unfortunately... please..."  
  
"Live here?" Sirius gasped. Remus living in the same place as him for once? With Remus in the building, life wouldn't be so torturous. He wouldn't be a lone prisoner in the old Black house, if the love of his life was near. The thought of Remus being near made him feel so much more security.  
  
"Yes, Sirius. I need it so badly, because- well things haven't been going well. Plus, I think you need it too... I want- to help."  
  
This was Dumbledore's cue to leave. He understood a bit about Remus Lupin, and his power over the stubborn Sirius black. He left without another word. Maybe it was more for his own cause, then for theirs, but it was welcome.   
  
"Remus," Sirius leaned closer. "You are the only living person that knows how awful it was here."  
  
"I know I am."  
  
With those chosen words, Remus pulled Sirius into a deep embrace. "When I heard," he whispered into Sirius's ear, "that we were going back here, I knew how hurt you would be. I cannot believe they'd lock you in this place. I've spent so many nights, since I found out you were innocent, thinking about what you suffered... if I had, I would have just ceased to live. I wouldn't have. Tell me you were happy once? And can I make it come back again?"  
  
"It's just been so many years in one prison, where people saw me as something I wasn't... now they're doing it once again. Yet, I was happy Remus. Very... but not at any specific time frame, just those little moments we shared together. You were my one link to happiness. If you're here... then maybe I can survive this."   
  
"I'll be here," Remus muttered sadly, letting go of Sirius, as though that had little meaning. Sirius laughed at this, despite all of his pain inside. Did Remus know that he was the only reason Sirius had lived through Azkaban? Did he know that he was all that mattered at this moment? Not the war, nor the pain, just him...  
  
"Remus, don't be silly," Sirius said sharply, raising the slightly shorter man's view so they stood eye to eye. "Have I yet told you all you've meant the past years?"  
  
"No..." Remus said staring at him, eyes wide.  
  
"Well," Sirius said boldly. "I would have, and could have, killed myself easily in there, if I hadn't known you still lived. I could feel you out there Moony, so I kept fighting it."  
  
"Fighting..." Remus repeated looking away.  
  
"Yes," Sirius said bringing his gaze back. " I've fought it out long and hard, just because there was a chance I could get your forgiveness. I've needed you for years Remus." He sighed deeply, trying to ignore the tears forming in his eyes. "Don't you go pretending you mean nothing now... when you, were the only reason I have had. My parents found me worthless, I had no friends, I was in Azkaban... yet, all of those things I was saved by your existance."   
  
"I can't believe..." he muttered in reply, then sat down sharply on a dusty chair. Remus had dreamed of the moment he'd talk to Sirius for over a year, and here it was. Sirius acting romantic, insisting that he'd meant everything, this was the moment.   
  
"I'm fine," he said quickly seeing Sirius kneal down beside him. "Just scared."   
  
Sirius did not move from where he kneeled, beside his Remus. He wanted to stay like he was for the rest of his life. Down, looking into the eyes of the only one to ever love him. He felt so safe right in this position. His eyes dared to look up further, to where they met his lover's pity, and true care. "You do know that I never want to leave this spot," Sirius said finally. "I want you to stay here with me forever."  
  
"I cannot believe that you have had so much faith in me... through all you've suffered, when I hardly held faith in you, myself, or anything in this world." Remus felt himself sinking with all of the guilt, when he realized that while he'd lost faith, his dogstar had kept it, with so much assurance they'd be together someday.   
  
"Remus, the world is a terrible place. I've learned to accept the truth behind the lies also, but you are the reason I have to stay in this world. I need you, whether you need me or not."  
  
"Oh, I do need you Sirius," Remus said quickly, afraid Sirius was beggining to doubt the remaints of their shattered relationship. "It's just that faith has been so hard to hold on to these past few years. But if you want to... bring things back..."  
  
"I'm terrified to do that," Sirius admitted, finally standing up. "Because things went so wrong, but I truely do want to..."  
  
"Why not?" Remus said gazing away, his amber eyes heading to space. "Things have gotten so bad, that they could get little worse. So once again, I say why not try something."   
  
Sirius wanted to laugh, but he knew the situation was serious as could be. Remus wanted to protect him from his pain, yet though the werewolf was older, and a little more pained, underneath he was the same sly, overly smart, young man he'd always been. He couldn't help express a tiny grin, at Moony's eager expression. "Is that what's best Moony?" Sirius asked painfully, meaning the pain he felt, but adding a little teasing . "I mean, we are in the house of my father. That man made everyone in his walls cursed by nothing but pain. It would be ill fated most likely, and with all that's going on... Remus, we might not live long enough to make anything come of our love. We have so much to deal with now, that how can we be self centered right now? I want to, but is it likely?"   
  
Remus stood also, and put an arm around Sirius pulling him closer. "Has anything we've ever done been what's best? Was wandering the grounds, you three being illegal animagi right? Were half of the idiotic things we've done? Was going as far as to blame our lovers for the unthinkable?"  
  
Sirius in turn wrapped both of his own arms around Remus, who shivered at the gentle touch. "No, we've never been too smart," he admitted.  
  
"You said you couldn't deal with living here, trapped again. Maybe I could make it hurt less? Be less like a prison to you?" Remus was hopeful that Sirius would accept his offer of love. He'd waited so many years to be reunited and to be so close, yet have it blown away, would be heart shattering.  
  
"It would be better," Sirius said gasping in his buried tears. "If only we could have the years we lost. We would have been happily together for all those years... think of it."  
  
"I don't want to," the light haired man said looking up, and pressing Sirius's head down onto his shoulder. "Now is better."  
  
Sirius allowed himself to remain where Remus had forced him. He breathed in deeply, getting an all familliar scent from when he was young. Soft and gentle, it was the smell of Remus Lupin, his only love. He could not help but cry a little, realizing he hadn't felt Remus for so long. "Oh, I needed you for so long..." he groaned softly.  
  
"I did also," Remus said moving slowly. "I did."  
  
He pulled Sirius up from his shoulder, and pushed him hard into a kiss. For what seemed like the longest time, they remained attached by that kiss. Remus pushed hard onto Sirius's lips, as though he needed it to survive. Sirius pulled away, brushing the long strand of hair that had fallen into Remus's eyes away. "I did not know, Remus, if I could survive here. Yet now there is a reason to stick around for awhile longer. I still love you."   
  
"I love you." With that, the game of kissing got a little more intense. Remus, being very excited over this return to childhood, nearly knocked Sirius to the floor with his second initiated action. "Remus," Sirius gasped allowing himself to complete the descent to the floor. Lying against the same stone floor he'd lain against before, after being beaten by his father, or punished by his mother, he was in pure heaven at the moment. "Remus, you've changed since our teenaged days."  
  
"Definately," Remus said breathing heavily, pulling Sirius into his arms, and moving awkwardly toward the top of him. "I'm a little more forward about things Padfoot... because I've waited so long."  
  
"My you are a lot better at this," Sirius said throwing himself toward the floor exhillerated, pressed under the weight of his lover's body.  
  
"Cause now, Sirius, you're the one who needs me. I get to be the strong one this time."  
  
"I do..." he said softly. "Without you with me Remus, I won't survive this. It will be too much."  
  
"I'll be right here," was the soft response, before the longest, deepest kiss in their history together was iniciated. Sirius almost felt weak, from lack of air, when Remus stayed on top of him for the longest time, pushing deeply into the kiss.  
  
Suddenly a stirring noise was heard, and before Sirius or Remus could pull away, they were in the middle of their kiss right in front of Molly Weasley and her children.  
  
"Oh, my goodness..." she said at a total loss for words.  
  
"Wait until I tell Harry about this," Ron muttered under his breath. The rest of the children from behind stood staring.  
  
His words were of course caught by his watchful mother. "You'll tell him no such thing," she snapped, shooting a horrorfied look towards the couple. "Boys, Ginny... please get out of here."   
  
The children left reluctantly. Remus and Sirius looked up from the floor at her, a little embarrassed but sort of excited. Being caught together was the sort of thing that happened at school all of the time. Sirius figured it out to be about thirty times they were caught together, doing what teachers called innapropriate. Where they had been found had ranged from pretty innocent, to actually inappropriate. They'd both loved it, even Remus, who's involvement was little believed by the teachers.   
  
The reaction from the Weasley mother was about the same as the teachers. "Remus!" she gasped. "What on earth were you doing?"  
  
"I think we were doing what it looks like to you," he said calmly, straightening his clothing and standing up. Sirius also stood up, and added angrily, "Unless you'd like an explaination..."  
  
"I do not need an explaination," she said quickly, glaring at Sirius. "I just can't believe it. Remus, you told me you'd gotten over your- your childhood infatuation, last time we spoke."  
  
"Last time we spoke, was before I found out the love of my life was innocent," Remus shot, protective of Sirius, feeling her anger towards him. "Now, you better get used to it if you're hanging around, because we're back for good this time."  
  
She sputtered, making noises of extreme dissaproval. "May I at least speak to you, Remus?" she said hopefuly.  
  
"Fine," Remus said annoyed. "Excuse me Padfoot, but don't move from that spot, cause we're going to resume where we left off."  
  
The look on the woman's face was so horrified, that both of them began to laugh. Remus patted down Sirius's messy hair and followed Molly into the kitchen.   
  
"Fine with me Remus," Sirius said winking at him and adding. "Punishment time for you."  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
When they'd left Sirius alone, Molly let Remus have it, badly. "I cannot believe this," she said quietly. "Remus, I've known you since you were little boys, and I've never approved of this thing between you and him."  
  
"You can be restrictive of your own children Molly, not me... I am not a child."  
  
"I know that," she said smartly. Then she softened and said, " Yet, I can give advice to a friend. You've always been a sensible man, where he has not."  
  
"I've come to you," Remus whispered, his emotions growing, "in the worst moments of my life, because you had a better understanding then I. Yet, you have to understand that I'm older now. Also, you need to get past what Sirius was sentanced for. Peter Pettigrew is the reason Lily Potter is dead, not Sirius. I know you were like an older sister to Lily, because she talked about you all of the time... but Sirius is not why she died and you have to stop blaiming him for it. I've stopped and understand now."  
  
"Obviously," she muttered. "I just don't want to let a sensible man like you end up with a person who makes rash desicions and cannot care for himself. If he were sensible he could have gone to Dumbledore the minute he knew of something, not follow and dark wizard himself!"  
  
" Sure he's made some idiot decisions, we all have, but Sirius can care for himself," Remus said angrily. "He's done it for thirteen years in Azkaban. Have you ever been close to a dementor? Can you even produce a Patronus? I was in Azkaban, far from the depths of it, where Sirius was held, for seven months until it was proven I held no association with Sirius."  
  
"I understand, Remus..." she said though she really didn't. "I also trust you."  
  
"Thank you," he said smiling sadly. "Sirius is having a lot of trouble living here. He had to survive one of the roughest childhoods I've ever heard of in these walls. I mean- it's worse than what you and everyone else knows. James Potter and I were the only one's to know the truth. It was pretty sick, Molly, and he's suffering here. I need him still, and I think he needs me just as much, if not more."  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Remus turned to an awaiting Sirius. He smiled excitedly, as Remus walked back into the room."Did she hurt you, Moony?" he asked laughing.  
  
"Maybe a little," he replyed grinning. "That woman has the lowest opinion of you. Why don't you show off with some of your old charm once in a while? It might just raise the opinion."  
  
"Don't think I still have it," Sirius said looking downward.   
  
"I'll give it back to you," Remus said laughing suggestively.   
  
"Oh," Sirius said, a mockingly questioning expression on his face. "You will? How are you going to do that?"  
  
"I will show you just a little more of the new Remus Lupin..."  
  
"Thanks Moony, for always being there when I need you, this is going to be quite the year for us. It's not going to be all good either, so I'm going to need you."  
  
"Well, I'm going to be here..."  
  
----------  
  
AN: Now all of you are sitting there thinking, "but Sirius died that year... how sad! " Well, welcome to denial! He did NOT! He and Remus are living happily together at the moment. They got what they've been waiting for. After I finish a few fanfic obligations, and judging on response to this, you might see a short fic sequel showing them together.  
  
P.S. If anyone has any ideas for my other fic "Sacrifice Everything" which is stuck at major writers block, please email me at KAYKEL1207@msn.com --- I hate having WRITERS BLOCK! It's going nowhere right now. 


End file.
